Unstable Feelings

Wow.

It's funny how that is one of the only words I feel describe me, right now. It's a odd feeling really; the one of leaving your house and not really knowing how to describe to others those feelings. How about I try? Maybe I'll get there. :)

Scared, that's the first word that comes to my mind when I think about it. It's a scary thing to not know what the future holds for you or not know what to expect from it. From a child, even though I never knew what would come along, I still have the feeling of security in my home; now it seems like its fading a bit. I've had question run through my mind about that, like what do you do when you lose your security? How do you keep yourself from being scared and not worry? Although questions like that have wondered in my mind like a million times each day as it goes by, I always end up with the same conclusion. What sort of conclusion, would you ask. Well, it's simply really, Leave It All On God. That's what I've come up with. He'll make sure I'll have my security and take the feeling of being scared away. The bad thing is, that I often forget that, but as time goes on I'm learning to let it go and leave it on Him.

Afraid, this one is shown and understood to me in many forms. As I study myself I have began to realize that I fear many things. I'm afraid of successfulness; of not being as good as I hope and want to be. I'm afraid of not fitting in but always feel as if I am an outsider to all. I'm afraid of feeling the emotion of missing my family, which might have the possibility of be making wrong and stupid decisions. I'm afraid that in the end of the day I'll just end up doing my own will and not God's. Fear- I've come to the belief that it's hardest thing for me to go up against. How do you learn to say no to something you fear greatly and is in your mind all the time? Can you put it behind you and never care about it anymore, or not? At times, when I'm not so think headed, I find completely and incredibly amazing that all I have to do is ask God to take my fears away. And the surprising thing that comes by asking Him it, is that He does. He does take my fears and doubts away.

Happy, the funny thing is, that out of no where there are those moments of complete happiness, joy, and eagerness. It's amusing to see and to understand how in those moments of happiness all the fear goes away; it vanishes. The excitement I feel can be compared to a little child's happiness when given a candy. I'm positive everyone has seen how the adorable little faces of those child's light up, just for a piece of candy. I often have the feeling of being a child again, of having that excitement and happiness just by getting a candy. I want to have the brilliant and bright smile on my own lips. I've lately realized how incredibly awesome it is that I can be a child to God; that He is my father and that I don't have to prove anything to Him because He already knows how amazing, brilliant, beautiful, loving, smart, silly, etc. I am.

I've come to realize and believe that it's incredible to know that He's always there to lean on.