this relationship

What are we?  Are we a we?  I say I don't want us to be, but it all feels so odd and confusing.  I don't know how to just be a friend.  I really don't.

But, I think, deep down that's what I want.

bike ride today

I stroll down the hill

I need not peddle, the down

hill will take me all the way to the end.

I don't throw my hands up, but

I fly. This is how birds feel, I think and smile.

But I don't care how they feel.

I am free

as I stroll down the hill.

I look forward to the day for reading with pleasure. I miss loving words and enjoying a certain book. My mind is swapped, constantly. Little times does it take breaks. Even then, I barely let it breath. I don't let it dwell where it wants and later I stay up all night. Awake. I understand why people begin to lose their mind from lack of sleep.

A sleepless mind: you cannot control.

I love knowing plans will be made. But changes will come and interrupt that silly little firmly made plan. A passion will rest itself somewhere in my being. Hopefully, my heart. I want it to come, I want to know my drive. Right now, I'm just waiting to discover it.

They say: it's about the journey. NOT. the destination.

I suppose there's truth. What a cliche.

The journey.

What is the journey?

obstacles, reversals, barriers

What will my JOURNEY be. What of the CLIMAX......

Will I have a climax?

I suppose....

Who's to know but me.

I have no idea what I am saying.

it was a bitter kind

call it what you may---

but it was bitter and unkind

an untamed animal, looking for play

rotten--all my sins poured out

as weeping began.

the darkness around me hollowed

that darn oil change

I can't forget how I felt.

How I feel.

What I wish.

People ask what's the first thing I notice.

I think I've discovered my true answer:

a smile.

My eyes fall there, before anything else.

Your smile.

I saw it.

How kindly you spoke.

How gentle you looked.

How nice you were.

The moment replays in my mind.

I can't push it out.

Will I drain in my unrealistic hope?

I never thought a simply oil change would have caused so much trouble in my head. Then again, I'm not surprised. I know where this will end - there's no reason to hope.

to dr. professor of mine

The darkness of man is scary.
Hatred moves in slowly and finds
a way to take control. I hear it mock my weakness
Tell me how silly I am. How can I refuse the power of darkness? My mind
My brain hurts. I cry out of despair; what is this feeling? A bitterness,
a hatred?

Beckoning me to follow. Shallow myself in anger, fury. I want to defend myself, not
trample over my pride and lay silent. The thought of allowing him to believe
I accept and believe, I am wrong, APPALLS ME.

I want him to pay. I want him to feel crushed and defeated. Spoken to as if he is a child. I
want to make him cry, as I cried. Bitter and painful. Lost and in despair.

Hatred. This is hatred and it scares me. This is not me. This is darkness.

clyde kluckhohn

Feelings of guilt are common but a sense of sin is rare

spring break

Spring Break, Spring Break O Spring Break.

There are things to be done this Spring Break. I've been spending it chilling at my aunt and uncle's home. Part of me wishes I was doing something more exciting, but hopefully by the end of this week I will be happy with my given choice. Family is a big deal to me and spending time with part of my family matters. That is what I need to remember.

I have things to do. Homework, get my eyes checked to buy new contact lenses and glasses, finally purchase my fight ticket - yada yada.

In the past, I've never taken this long to buy a ticket home. I've always been so impatient and get a ticket as soon as possible. This year it's different. I'm not sure why.

I think I'm scared. Honestly, I'm scared of many things. This time going home will be different. The change will be different. I'm not sure I'm ready for it. I'm not sure I want it. I'm scared of locking myself in myself.

let me in

i don't recall feeling this:

a weight on my heart.

a burden.

where did you come from?

have you always been here?

or maybe i've only recently noticed your striking presence.

i never had this burden for anyone.

the truth of the gospel, i have known.

how i should share it, i have known.

but it's been abstract. how do i talk about it?

i have wondered.

but with you. i dream of the day

yes. i hope for the day, when i tell you

His love.

i pray it will finally all click.

i also pray the day will come --

when i see you face-to-face.

it's been so long.

and i'm scared you'll shut me out

you've done it to everyone, so why not me?

but i won't stop.

every day. i will strive to pray

in a way i do not understand.

why? because i care.

no. i love you.

why? because He loves you.

and His love flows through me.

so please, i beg you: let me in.

all the poor & powerless

All the Poor & Powerless by All Sons & Daughters

I can't get this song out of my head. My heart.

to weep tears of the heart

Can I cry? I want to cry. It's been so long since I last cried. I want tears to flow -- restlessly. To relieve the unnerving feeling my heart keeps feeling. Why must tears only come when I don't wish them to? I want to cry. I want tears to flow. For when I cry, I feel cleansed. I want to feel cleansed. Though, I guess that is only temporary.

I want to cry for the lost soul of my cousin. How I wish we would speak. But we don't. I want to cry. I want to weep for him. I want to pray for him. Intercede for his beautiful heart. But I often forget and the day slips by and he remains there. In the dark. He's search, I know. I feel it. He doesn't know what he's searching for. I want to show him. Prove to him, a love far above and beyond his understanding exists. I love him. I care for him. I barely know him. The beauty of God is found in love -- for strangers.

I want to cry for my sin. I look forward to the day of waking before Him and knowing my life is sinless. How I hate sin.

O tomorrow

If I turn off the light, will I sleep?

If I lay my head to sleep, will it rest?

This -- I want to know.

Tomorrow, I drive up to Traverse City. Truthfully? I'm slightly scared. One meeting will determine my whereabouts this summer. Not to mention, I'll be seeing someone I like and that's a whole 'nother worry in itself. Thankfully, my mind has not driven me crazy this time. I just want to come back feeling at peace. No overwhelming feelings -- I'm just not ready for it. Plus, there's a bunch of snow outside, a bit disheartening.

Jesus says not to worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow has to worry about itself. Wise words.

my attempt to be professional

Purpose of petition:

To request my REL390 (Independent Study on the Old Testament) class to substitute in for the General Education class of REL212.

What is the rationale to justify this special action?

My Interim term was spent in Greece, because I went home for the holidays and stayed till the end of January. However, in order to graduate in May '12 with my class, I needed to take a class during Interim. Furthermore, I realized I would need a class during Interim after I had already purchased my flight home. I spoke with several professors and my advisor, and I resulted in doing an Independent Study (REL390) during Interim - under their direction. My rationale for this special action: I have already done the Independent Study believing a substitution would be accepted and hope REL390 can suffice for REL212.

sleepless night

Where is that clear mind, I so hopelessly seek for?

This I wish to know.

t. c. mits

"Mits is profoundly involved in the words he absorbs and uses daily. Words in the newspaper make him pound his fist on the breakfast table. Words spoken to him by his superiors puff him up with pride or send him scurrying to work harder. Words that he has overheard being spoken about him behind his back worry him sick. Words that he spoke before a clergyman some years ago have committed him to one woman for life. Words written on pieces of paper keep him at his job and bring bills in the mail every month that keep him paying and paying." --S. I. Hayakawa

this is my song

Πλήνε την καρδιά μου Λυρτωτή

Άνοιξε τα μάτια μου να βρώ ζωή

Μάθε μου να άγαπω οπώς Εσύ

Η καρδιά μου μόνο να ζητεί

Η βάσιλεια Σου να βρεθεί στη γη

Μαζί σου να πορέυομαι, αιώνια

Heal my heart and make it clean

Open up my eyes to the things unseen

Show me how to love like you have loved me

Break my heart for what breaks yours

Everything I am for your kingdoms cause

As I go from nothing to... Eternity

all these silly thoughts

I tend to analyze myself and I often push myself to be something I am not. I feel rebellious and lost. I know who I am. I am confidant in choices I make and pursuing things I want. But sometimes, I fear I have no idea what I want. There are things in me I wish I could reveal, but I feel them weak and stupid. When I admit them to myself, I scold my conclusion and remind myself of who I am. For a very long time, I've wanted to be that girl. That girl who's love for Christ shines through and is faithful. That when people look at me they know exactly who I am -- there are no hidden secrets. But, it seems, the more I strive to be this person the more I begin to hide myself. I find myself unhappy. In this pursuit, I do not seek to put up a frame and show myself off. I simply want a genuine understanding of who I am. I want to be genuine. I want to be content. I want a simple life. But habits and this way of life I've pursued for so long hinder me every day. I want to write all the time. I don't, but I wish I was in the habit of spending all my free time with a notepad or a book. I hate technology, I feel like it's rubbed me of my joy. I make plans but fail at fulfilling them. I want friends who push me to be a better person. I want a man in my life who enjoys my presence enough to help me along my walk, because I fail so many times. I'm sick and tired of surface emotions, but all the while I, myself, am superficial. There are so many parts of me - I often get overwhelmed by how may parts there can be. I'm in a place I do not understand. It has not come from being away from home or having to say bye to my family -- this place came while I was home and has stuck with me for a while. I want Jesus to pull me out, because I can't handle my thoughts, my actions or my heart. I can't handle anything.

a million miles per hour

Overwhelms me - my mind.

Stops it never to rest.

Cautions me or attempts purity.

From grace I fall - everyday.

Regrets it, this I know.

How to stop? I do not know.

walls?

The invisible being: a wall.

A form not many understand or see.

Yet it's there.

Swallowing every bone I own.

I hear words in forms of riddles.

She says, oh so easily, you have walls.

I deny this existence. Of course.

You have walls, men don't know how to come through.

You'd think I'd know if I'd have my own walls.

Then the moment comes.

I freak, I stress, say I don't know what to do.

You have a wall. She says.

A wall keeping men at a distance.

Apparently, never to come near.

how is this possible. To have a wall, not desired.

But I have come to see.

I do have this wall.

I cling up and turn away.

Effortlessly, I blame my reaction on protecting the other.

Saying, I care more for them than myself.

All the while, I have a wall keeping them an arm-lenths away.

coffee shop

Recently, I have spent a good amount of time in coffee shops. I either do homework or spend time with my sister/friends. The time has been extremely enjoyable and worthwhile. I have spent more money than I probably should, but if I have it -- then why not?

In the past, coming home has felt like a cage. These past two visits, have felt like a new beginning and refreshing. I look forward to life outside of a Campus bubble. This does not mean I do not want to study anymore, but it means - I've descovered - that I'm ready to be away from a main campus. I want to live in an apartment with neighbors who I did not know before I moved in. I want to live in a city and take the buss. I want to be amongst people who may or may not be strangers. I look forward to a life in and out of a coffee shop.

I don't know, it's just something I really do enjoy beyond words.