all these silly thoughts

I tend to analyze myself and I often push myself to be something I am not. I feel rebellious and lost. I know who I am. I am confidant in choices I make and pursuing things I want. But sometimes, I fear I have no idea what I want. There are things in me I wish I could reveal, but I feel them weak and stupid. When I admit them to myself, I scold my conclusion and remind myself of who I am. For a very long time, I've wanted to be that girl. That girl who's love for Christ shines through and is faithful. That when people look at me they know exactly who I am -- there are no hidden secrets. But, it seems, the more I strive to be this person the more I begin to hide myself. I find myself unhappy. In this pursuit, I do not seek to put up a frame and show myself off. I simply want a genuine understanding of who I am. I want to be genuine. I want to be content. I want a simple life. But habits and this way of life I've pursued for so long hinder me every day. I want to write all the time. I don't, but I wish I was in the habit of spending all my free time with a notepad or a book. I hate technology, I feel like it's rubbed me of my joy. I make plans but fail at fulfilling them. I want friends who push me to be a better person. I want a man in my life who enjoys my presence enough to help me along my walk, because I fail so many times. I'm sick and tired of surface emotions, but all the while I, myself, am superficial. There are so many parts of me - I often get overwhelmed by how may parts there can be. I'm in a place I do not understand. It has not come from being away from home or having to say bye to my family -- this place came while I was home and has stuck with me for a while. I want Jesus to pull me out, because I can't handle my thoughts, my actions or my heart. I can't handle anything.